Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Things will get butter, keep churning
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.