Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.