It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
You Might Also Like
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
He’s dead
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.