Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
back to work
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost