[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Good boy 😂😂
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come