If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Effort made
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”