My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
You Might Also Like
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos