Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse