[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Herpes is trending, good job people
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”