curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge