I remember when things only cost an arm.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.