You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend