OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
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If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
real
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits