Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Blew out my flip flop…
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows