$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
You Might Also Like
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.