To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.