Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER