“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.