I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi