[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
beware of dog
(jukin media)
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*