Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.