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Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke