Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Lmao
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.