Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Raisins are grape jerky.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*