You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad