Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”