My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Cheers Twitter.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.