My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The human personality is made of five key elements