3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I feel seen
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks