Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store