Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
True.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Selfie
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.