Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.