what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
that lip filler tho
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
NASA has no chill
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
#dnd #ttrpg
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.