what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
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Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance