Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”