Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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Vodka burrito was a success
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The best plant holders?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST