You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Happy thanksgiving!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets