I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
the three genders
Dolls on drugs
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
mom gave me mine for free
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Good advice.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti