[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.