The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂