Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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Welcome
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Hey! This isn’t my car!