Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
all that yoga finally paid off
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.