Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
just witnessed a drug deal
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.