If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.