If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
me: my friends:
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*