Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”