We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Nice try, poison.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.