When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking