I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
sleeping beauty
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
You’ll be OK
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Speak now or ever hold your peace
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.