Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband